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When was the last time you went shopping for toys? The toys I’m talking about are the buzzing, vibrating, pulsing, and now the sucking kind. Think Lovehoney not, Hamleys.
I can’t remember when I bought or acquired my first vibrator. But I definitely had one or even two, by the time I hit my mid 20s. If memory serves me well, both were probably bubble-gum pink. One of the three colours available. Flesh coloured, (think raw pork sausage tones) and jet black, being the other two options.
Over the years, I’ve experimented with different shapes, (I have fond memories of one that was stylishly disguised as a lipstick) sizes (Bwoi! Some tough lessons were learnt there!) and textures. Both with and without partners.
“The Rose” otherwise known as the “Soul Snatcher”
Hell, I became such an expert, that I even ended up working with the now late Peter Stringfellow, owner of the eponymous Stringfellows club to launch his first adult toy range. We came up with the “The Jewel” The world’s most expensive vibrator, valued at a cool 1million Great British pounds and made from solid gold! I doubt it got much use, but I’ll leave that story and how it came about for another day.
Sex toys have come a long way since the 1800’s, when they were once used by men to treat spinal disease, pain and deafness. No longer shrouded in shame, although in some countries they are illegal, the Wand, the Bullet, the Rabbit are now, pretty much household names.
A year or two ago, I came across an article about “The Rose” otherwise known as the “Soul Snatcher” the new sex toy on everyone’s lips or should I say cl**s. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about and are still relying on secret moments with shower heads or leaning up against the washing machine for a good orgasm (I never really understood that last one) please, pull up a chair!
This c-spot sex toy, designed like a rose bloom, that sucks, blows and pulses, promised an incomparable oral experience and to have you calling its name, whilst snatching your soul like a 90’s R&B boyband. It was hailed, the toy like no other. Guaranteed to give low effort O’s time and time again…if you could be bothered to go more than once.
I knew things were getting out of control when I threatened to “choke someone with my knickers!”
“Izzz it?” I quizzed; I had kind of lost interest in anything below my ever-growing waistline. Periods were slowly replaced by the symptoms of the perimenopause and all the gifts that it insisted on giving and giving. Not only had my sexual thermostat been significantly lowered, the temperature gauge for the rest of my body seemed to be rising in the opposite direction. I, now “in this here cold England” had been blessed with my own personal, all year round summer. Replicating the “oh what a scorcher!” heat of that one time in the 70’s where it was hot enough to fry eggs on the pavement (Urban myth? Or did that really happen?).
I was also angry a lot of the time and couldn’t stand being touched, in bed or anywhere else. I knew things were getting out of control when I threatened to “choke someone with my knickers!” By the way, that someone, wasn’t my partner trying to get up close and personal, but rather some poor unsuspecting commuter on a crammed train, gasping for air who happened to breath in my direction!
I rolled over and reached under the bed for my toy box, (Yeah, I have a box, don’t you?) quickly scanning its contents, allowing my eyes to rest on previous purchases, dismissing each with a cold disdain usually reserved for dick pics. NB: They are not and never will be of any interest to me!
Maybe it was time to reconnect with my body. But I wanted to do it alone and in my own time. There was one more bit of research I needed to do before making a final decision.
“Morning Ladies!”
I had chosen the “So, mi like it” WhatsApp group. Inspired by our favourite Spice Girl.. “Spice”. This group was not for the faint hearted. Reserved only for those of us that could handle real talk, no topic is off limits, but all memes, things fluffy, cute or religious were.
I dropped the article and waited..
“Bwoi, you’re late” was the first response.
I rolled my eyes, this particular friend, a self-proclaimed “Cockologist” an academic title she had made up to shock people when they asked her what she does for a living, was always the first to try anything in our group.
“This ting is the future, I’ve come off the apps since I bought mine” said one, who was beginning to tire of the modern dating game.
“Nah man, it’s the devil’s business, I lost a whole day of my life” joked another. She, had included some gummies/edibles to the mix, stolen from her teenagers secret stash to help enhance the experience. Only then did she realise that the experience hadn’t needed any enhancing. She nearly passed out, her life flashing before eyes, landing on an image of her being found dead in her room, no draws (knickers) with drugs in her system. She hadn’t used it since.
Comments were accompanied by the familiar, smutty use of aubergines, water and laughter imojs. The verdict was in, an all round thumbs up! I can’t lie, I bought one, for research purposes mind, (uh hmm) and let’s just say it didn’t fail the assignment… Woi!
There were some other added benefits too:
If left out, none but the initiated would know exactly what it was. My godmother, whilst visiting had picked it up and commented on the “lovely perfume bottle!”
Small and virtually soundless (less than 50 decibels), I no longer had to scramble to find objects or a playlist to muffle the sound and therefore meant no more, “Mama what’s that noise?” interrogations from my son in the middle of the night.
You can use it in the bath tub..but remember those moans and groans will bounce off tiled walls.
You can use it in more than one place, great for nipples too!
Using sex toys can also improve those weakening pelvic floor muscles
I proper sound like I work for one of the manufacturers! I promise you that I don’t. The truth is that the wave of c–spot or oral sex toys literally flooding the market have been a real game changer for me and from what I hear, quite a few women our age. Women who prefer or require clitoral stimulation to orgasm and who are also suffering from menopausal dryness. And I don’t know whether you know this, but toys need to be updated as you age. Our needs change and what worked for you in your younger years, might not work for you now.
The things you need to remember:
Water or silicone-based lubricants, but not KY (too many parabens) and not butter, random but I’ve heard some things!
Please don’t be jabbing away like the worst lover you’ve ever had. You can have a warmup, before heading for the big ‘O” but also remember this is not always the final destination.
You don’t have to fake it.. are we still doing that at this age?
Set the mood and time. Find a moment when you’re not going to be disturbed, although a quick shoofty to take the edge off is ok too!
Flip the technique - Change position, stroke, settings
Clean them regularly, the dishwasher is not recommended!
Remember to do your research and try different things. What works for me might not work for you.
BTW: There is a great is a women-only store called Sh! which is located at 57 Hoxton Square in London. Now get shopping!
I hope you have shares in those Roses… 🌹
This...🔥😝 I actually looked at my collection this morning, which has grown quite a bit due to my other half buying me a few toys over the years. I decided that I need to go out and actually choose my own...I'll be visiting the ladies only establishment